[STEAM] The Most Useless Collector's Editions Ever Made

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I’m a huge ******* for Collector’s Editions of games. I know they’re expensive but there’s something jubilant about opening a massive box for a game and pulling out artbooks and soundtracks and gorgeous steelbook cases that I’ll throw out immediately because I have no more shelf space left. Into the book of loose Blu-ray discs you go! Maybe I Iike Collector’s Editions so much because they remind me of old-school computer game boxes that always came in weird shapes and always included more documentation than necessary. They were goofy and grandiose. They were treasure chests.



But not every video game Collector’s Edition can be as good as, say, Cyberpunk 2077. While you could argue that a statue of V on a motorcycle is embarrassing (and you’d win that argument), the piece itself is well done and the rest of the set does a good job expanding and immersing you into the universe of the game. It really feels like you’re a tourist visiting Night City and those are your souvenirs. Including the statue, because that’s exactly what a tourist would buy at a cheap shop at the airport.



That said, we all know that not every Collector’s Edition is great. In fact, some video game special editions are absolutely useless. Much like myself, they have no purpose and they definitely have no reason to exist. Some of them actually make the game worse just by having touched this Earth. May **** have mercy on their souls and may **** have mercy on the poor fools who lost their shelfspace and money.

7. Halo 3: Legendary Edition

Before you get ****, let me say that this is actually a pretty good Collector’s Edition. In addition to the game, it had two discs with extra features about the Halo series, including a couple episodes of Red vs. Blue. The most important part, however, was the Master Chief MJOLNIR Mark VI helmet.

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Which was almost big enough to wear but somehow just not. Not that every collectible has to be wearable, but how dare you give me a Master Chief helmet that just almost fits? It could’ve been *******! It could’ve been smaller! How dare you make every person who sees this ******* thing try to put it on and go, “Oh, it won’t fit.”



Also, not for nothing, when I left one writing job, I abandoned my Master Chief helmet on my desk. I just couldn’t take it anymore. And when I came back to that job again years later for a second run, they tried to give it back to me like a cursed object. I said no.

6. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 Prestige Edition

Yeah, I’ll admit: Night vision goggles are pretty cool. But, uh, do you really need them? And if you did need night vision goggles, you probably wouldn’t buy them as an extra in an Activision game. You might do a little research. You might find brands that work for your night vision needs. I doubt you were like, “*****, get the truck; we’re ******** two birds with one stone by getting a hit game and those night vision goggles we discussed.”

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It’s definitely cool that the goggles work, but it’s also an item that sat in the box for years because I live in a city and I’m not casing my neighbor’s house at 2 am for a robbery. I’d say they look cool on a shelf, but they don’t. They’re night vision goggles. Even on a stand, they just look like there’s a giant military camera pointing at the room. Like the Master Chief helmet, you will get frustrated by how much space it takes up and you will eventually get rid of it during a move.



And, let’s be honest, if you’re getting a ton of use out of your video game special edition night vision goggles, you’re also probably on a few lists.

5. Ultima IX: Ascension Dragon Edition

That’s right, baby, we’re going back in time to the game that ******* the series! The year was 1999. The Matrix was in theaters and Susan Lucci finally won her Emmy for the role of Erica Kane in All My Children after eighteen previous nominations. It was truly a big year for us all. And Ultima IX: Ascension sounded incredible, both as a game and as a collector’s edition. It included stuff like spooky books, tarot cards, and a map! It was fancy! The kids loved it.



As for the game, it was awful and broken. It played like a first draft of Skyrim that someone made in their sleep after a night of drinking. Nobody wants to make a bad game, but Ultima IX was kind of a bad game. That doesn’t make it the worst video game to ever have a collector’s edition, but it definitely feels like a milestone in that tradition.



You can include all the extras on Earth, but if the game is awful, it’s meaningless.

4. Catherine: Love Is Over Edition

The special edition for Catherine absolutely fits the theme of the games. Among its items are a ***** pillowcase, a cute romance shirt, and polka dot boxers that I assure you will not fit. None of these items are egregious and Catherine is a fantastic game. It’s just that… I don’t… Are you going to put that Catherine pillowcase on a pillow? When? As a bit? Are you doing it ironically? Unless you’re dating an extremely understanding person with your same freak tendencies, I don’t advise using anything in this collection. Despite the game being a ***** puzzle adventure, this will not contribute any meaningful help to your romantic life. It will do the opposite.

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Here’s how unboxing this Collector’s Edition goes: You take out the pillow case, shirt, boxers, and fake pizza box. Then you put them in the back of your closet with the wedding album you couldn’t bring yourself to toss out after the divorce.

3. Fallout 76: Power Armor Edition

You know why we’re all here: The bag! Everything else is pretty cool: I mean, hey, the Power Armor helmet actually fits! That’s something! And the little toys and glow-in-the-dark map were pretty neat. It’s just… we were promised a canvas duffle bag. That was one of the cool selling points: A Fallout-themed duffle bag. I know that seems ******* to care about, but they changed it from being a cool military-style bag to nylon with the texture of an extremely cheap umbrella. If you went into the Wasteland, the bag would **** of radiation before you would.

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We get enough bait and switching in the games themselves. They couldn’t source it better? It’s not like they didn’t have the budget. People are paying hundreds of dollars here and one of the coolest features turned into a bag less useful than a tote you receive for donating to a radio station. Plus, Fallout 76 at launch was completely different than it is now; it was giving off real Ultima IX: Ascension vibes.

2. Mass Effect: Andromeda

Here’s the best part of Mass Effect: Andromeda’s Collector’s Edition: It doesn’t come with the game. Why would it? When I’m buying a special edition, I want all those extras to shove out the game entirely like it’s that woman’s sarcophagus in The Pearl of Love. Seriously, it’s almost impressive to call something the Mass Effect: Andromeda Collector’s Edition and not include Mass Effect: Andromeda.



Instead, it includes a remote control car. Which would be super fun if the game was released in 1992. Now, to be fair, promotional information did say that the game wouldn’t come with the Collector’s Edition. It’s just a weird choice to make. And it’s one that’s going to keep happening as companies realize that if we’re willing to spend $200 on extras for a video game, we’re probably willing to spend $70 on top of that for the game itself.

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While there have been other examples of special editions without the game (including another Mass Effect release), Mass Effect: Andromeda feels like the one that turned the tide. And, not for nothing, it wasn’t really the best game until it got patched up. So, in a way, it was almost better that the special edition didn’t include the game?



Yes, it’s super annoying when there are download codes for games rather than physical discs. But no game at all? That's the chef's kiss of useless.

1. ***** Island: Riptide Zombie Bait Edition

****** *******! Oh ****! Who’s idea was this? Remember when I said that some special editions actually make a game worse? Well, here we are! Holy *****. What an awful, awful idea. I’m sorry. Not all of you can see the image. This special edition of the zombie series included the game (that’s nice!), a ******* pack (pew pew!), and a sculpture of a woman’s bloodied, decapitated torso. I don’t mean that, like, a mannequin without a head. No, it’s been sculpted to make sure you know that, yes, the head and arms have been torn off this woman.

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Oh, also the woman is in a bikini. That wouldn’t be a problem, but the whole “she’s been horribly mutilated to ******” part takes away from the appeal. I believe this special edition was only released in Europe, I’m assuming because someone on the development team wanted to only punish Europe.



Not only is this big, weirdo thing useless, it will make people judge you. You think having the dust-covered cat-sized Halo helmet can be a little awkward? You hate having to explain your favorite video game’s night vision goggles? All child’s play. Wait until the world sees you as the type of person who owns that statue.



I mean, at least it includes the game. But if you put up that statue, if anyone sees it and escapes your basement, the feds are going to take away your computer. And then there will be no games at all.

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