Answering the question that is Canberra

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Answering the question that is Canberra

I have been to Canberra more times than the country capital probably warrants, but it wasn’t until today that I finally did something that I think should be on everyone’s Canberra itinerary — take a seat in the public gallery at question time in Parliament House.

I’ve pre-booked my ticket so I’m skipping the ****** to enter the gallery (I still have to line up at the cloak room where you need to leave your phone, keys and anything else that makes a noise).

I’ve seen the highlights of question time on the television news for the best part of two decades but as I take my seat I’m realising that this experience is like going to watch the footy at Perth stadium instead of the telly.

You see all the behind-the-scenes shenanigans, the body language and side bar discussions, taking in our Parliament’s most theatrical element as a whole, not just the TV highlights.

Camera IconThe longer you look, the more you see in prime minister portraits. Credit: Christien de Garis/Supplied

I’m facing the Labor Government MPs so that’s who I have the best view of today. Immediately I’m noticing the gait of the MPs as they start to trickle in just before the 2pm start. I know what procrastination looks like, Tanya Plibersek for example takes one step, stops, looks around, takes another step, stops. To be fair she might’ve been waiting for a colleague to stop speaking.

Outgoing ex-leader Bill Shorten looks like he’s every bit in the departure lounge, slumped in the corner on the front bench, a few empty spaces beside him.

At 2.20pm Barnaby Joyce wanders across the floor (I can’t recall if he’s only just arriving or he went somewhere and is returning) and falls loudly — full ***** weight — into his chair.

I’ve worked in government and governing MPs mostly don’t like question time and today it looks every bit like that. There’s one notable exception to the lethargic entrances, and that’s our Prime Minister who strides in and takes his seat as the spectacle begins.

There’s a shout-out to former *** prime minister Liz Truss who is watching on, it takes me a while to spot where she is — she’s on the floor of Parliament not in any of the galleries. She leaves about halfway through, not before ex-Nationals leader Michael McCormack goes over to introduce himself and leaves her a business card, I’m presuming it’s his? The former PM reads it before placing it in her handbag.

I reckon I can pick a journo in a crowd, it’s a useless ability of mine. So I’m scanning for the press gallery and bang — spot the wild-haired, suited bloke — no one wears dishevelled like a print journo. I later meet him when the Canberra Press Gallery President and old friend Jane Norman is showing me around, turns out it’s The Saturday Paper’s Jason Koutsoukis, thoroughly lovely bloke, he greets Jane with a curtsy and addresses her as Madam President. I apologise to him for pegging him as a scruffy print journo.

Camera IconInteresting items at the Parliament House gift shop on the way out. Credit: Christien de Garis/Supplied

My attention is drawn back to the floor as things are getting rowdy among the pollies. PM Anthony Albanese is getting continually interrupted by the ********’s Angus Taylor.

“Have you got Tourette’s or something? You know, you just sit there, babble, babble, babble,” the PM asks.

“Oh dear,” I think. “That’s not going to be good.” I’m wondering how much this will ***** up. I’m immediately recalling when West Coast Eagles coach John Worsfold called the press pack spastics at a training session. He was called on, via the back page of The West, to apologise.

Albo is on the same wave length. “I withdraw. I withdraw. I withdraw and apologise,” he immediately says, realising what he has done. He later returns for a more in-depth apology. He’s stuffed up big time and ashamed of the sledge.

It’s a fascinating exchange to be in the press gallery for. There’s both a chorus of laughter and jeers from the fellow MPs on both sides. The TV camera is focused on the PM but I can see the stern faces of his colleagues including WA’s Anne Aly, they know he’s offended not only the Tourette’s community but all those with disabilities.

Interestingly before the Tourette’s sledge, Albo also refers to Pauline Hanson as “a certain redhead used to sit in here” and I wonder when will we rule out ridiculing redheads? I mean, I’m meeting up with my good mate Ranga who’s in the capital for work for a ***** tonight, but how come hair colour is still fair game?

The Tourette’s comment takes up many newspaper inches, talkback radio and television space over the next few days (no one mentions the red hair) but for now, question time rolls on.

The Greens Max Chandler-Mather is howled down by almost everyone after telling the PM “we’re ready to negotiate” over housing policy. Albo’s response to him that “no one here (in Parliament) has the power to freeze rents”, which is a Greens demand, is another behind-the-scenes comment that exposes the theatre of politics — a literally impossible policy that still gets air time.

While others are asking questions and giving answers, Peter Dutton and Anthony Albanese are chatting to each other across the Despatch Box, I wonder what is being said. At some stages Albo scrunches up his face to whatever Dutton is saying, other times Albo initiates the conversation, there’s even smiles between them. Shortly after the two sides furiously disagree on a motion over the *******-****** war. The mood changes quickly in here.

Michael McCormack is restless, he’s out of his chair again showing something on his phone to the Labor Speaker Milton *****, both have a good laugh.

Suddenly it’s 3pm and it’s over. The MPs look a lot more agile at this end of question time.

I’m leaving thoroughly satisfied that I’ve finally added this to my Canberra schedule, a unique peak behind the curtain into our the Canberra bubble, a must-do for all visitors.

Camera IconDemocracy dog Mallee patiently waited in the shade while Christien was in question time.
Credit: Christien de Garis/Supplied

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