People Whose Parents Weren’t Affectionate With Each Other in Childhood Often Develop These 10 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say

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People Whose Parents Weren’t Affectionate With Each Other in Childhood Often Develop These 10 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say

In comedies, teen and tween characters often “ewwww” as the audience “awwws” during parental PDAs. Meanwhile, in real life, children may be taking notes—and learning wholesome, important life lessons that can lay the foundation for healthy relationships in the future.

As they say, ‘actions speak louder than words,'” says 

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., the director of the Mental Health Youth Program at the Audrey Hepburn Children’s House at Hackensack University Medical Center. “The earlier and more consistent that caregivers demonstrate affection toward each other, the more comfortable children will be with observing that affection, particularly if the physical affection is followed up with verbal statements of affirmation or support between caregivers.”

It makes sense when you think about it. After all, Dr. Biller and his peers often discuss how caregivers’ affection toward children lays the foundation for a secure attachment—their displays of love and respect toward one another are an extension of that. Also, the home is our first classroom. However, what if your parents didn’t get the assignment and didn’t engage in a little PDA—whether that’s a smooch or regular hand-holding—in front of you? Psychologists say that people whose parents weren’t affectionate toward one another during childhood can often develop these traits.Related: People Who Were Rarely Complimented as Children Often Develop These 10 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say

10 Common Traits of Adults Whose Parents Weren’t Affectionate With Each Other, According to Psychologists1. Be hesitant to show affection

Since our caregivers are teachers and set an example, this one is the most straightforward of the 10 traits people whose parents weren’t affectionate toward one another develop.

“For a child growing up in a home where affection isn’t really shown, displays of affection might make them feel awkward or out of place,” explains

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., a clinical psychologist for HelpGuide Handbook. “Without seeing affection to take after, it could make doing it as an ****** feel like trying something unfamiliar, which could cause feelings of discomfort rather than connection.”

Related: People Who Were Rarely Complimented as Children Often Develop These 10 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say

2. Difficulty with intimacy

You may struggle to form close relationships.

“This often stems from a lack of modeled affectionate behavior in your upbringing, which can leave you feeling unsure about how to connect deeply with others,” says

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., a psychologist with Duality Psychological Services.

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3. Chronic trust issues

Trust is built brick by brick, starting in childhood. Parental displays of affection send important messages that help lay an important foundation. Without them?

“If a child observes their parents rarely being close or warm to each other, this child might grow up with the notion that emotional support and trust are not foundational to relationships,” Dr. Quimby explains. “In adulthood, they might find themselves more guarded, unsure of how to build or rely on trust within their own relationships.”

4. Lack of comfort in setting boundaries

Dr. Biller says children exposed to healthy physical affection from their primary caregivers are better equipped to talk about intimate boundaries in adulthood. Those who haven’t may need more assistance building the confidence to discuss what does and doesn’t feel appropriate—for them or their partners—during intimate moments.

Related: People Who Moved at Least Once During Childhood Usually Develop These 10 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say

5. Challenges discussing emotions

Affection can be a way to connect during emotional moments—a hug during a loved one’s ********, a kiss when the person announces a promotion, holding hands after a ******. Without seeing these subtle but important actions, a person may grow into someone who has difficulty finding the words to talk about feelings.

“The lack of emotions represented during childhood can leave them struggling to handle their emotions clearly, making emotional communication a challenge later in life,” Dr. Quimby says.

6. Uncomfortable showing emotions

Talking about emotions may not be the only thing you find challenging as an ******.

“In homes where emotions aren’t usually expressed, children might mimic this and try to hide their own emotions,” Dr. Quimby says. “They learn to mask their emotions, seeing this as a normal response to the world around them. This can make it difficult for them to freely express feelings, viewing emotional displays as inappropriate or unnecessary in a relationship.”

Related: People Who Felt Lonely as Children Usually Develop These 13 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say

7. Emotional insecurity

Dr. Biller says that physical affection can increase oxytocin, the “love hormone” that boosts your sense of well-being. 

“A similar sense of security and well-being is experienced by children who observe their caregivers engage in healthy affection,” he explains. “The enhanced security is due to increased levels of oxytocin they experience through their observation as well as the observation reinforcing the understanding of their caregivers’ positive parental relationship.”

So, the flip side can also be true: Without this increase in oxytocin, you may not feel as emotionally well.

8. Insecurity in relationships

When your own oxygen mask is insecure, your ability to help others with theirs is, too. In a non-metaphorical sense, you may feel unworthy of love, creating a ripple effect that sabotages ****** relationships.

“This uncertainty can lead to insecurity in both romantic and social interactions,” Dr. Frank shares.

Related: The 2 Most Obvious Signs of an Unhealthy Parent-******-Child Relationship

9. Self-reliance

This one can be a silver lining of a childhood in which parents rarely—if ever—showed affection toward one another (as long as you know it’s OK to ask for help).

“Being raised in an environment without emotional support can make a child fend for themselves emotionally,” Dr. Quimby says. “This independence comes from necessity and can turn into self-reliance, shaping an ****** who approaches life’s challenges on their own.”

10. Adaptability

This trait offers another glimmer of hope that proves that growing up in a home with parents who didn’t do much PDA isn’t all ***** and gloom (even if it’s also not ideal).

“If a child grows up without affection but wants to learn how to be affectionate in ****** relationships, they may find themselves trying to figure out how to fit into different emotional environments on their own,” Dr. Quimby says. “This can help them have stronger relationships in adulthood by using their resilience, independence and flexibility.”

Related: Individuals Who Grew Up as ‘People-Pleasers’ Usually Develop These 12 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say

How To Heal From Your Parents’ Lack of PDA1. Give your folks some grace

While it’s understandable to harbor resentment toward parents whose lack of PDA hurt you as an ******, experts recommend cutting them some slack. It can help them—and you.

“Understanding that love can be expressed in many ways, like through acts of kindness or quality time spent together, helps adults reconcile feelings of disappointment or other misperceptions regarding their parents’ less visible emotional displays,” Dr. Quimby says. “It broadens their perspective on love, helping with healing and acceptance.”

He goes on to explain that cultural norms can also dictate how parents did (or didn’t) show their affection toward one another in front of you.

Related: 18 Phrases To Use With Your ****** Kids That Will Transform Your Relationship, According to Psychologists

2. Remember: You deserve grace too

Extend the same courtesy to yourself that you gave your parents—you have a right to your feelings.

“It’s so important to practice self-compassion—acknowledge that your feelings are valid and allow yourself to heal at your own pace,” Dr. Frank says.

3. Communicate and set boundaries

This set can be challenging for people whose parents were unaffectionate toward one another because they’re more likely to struggle to communicate boundaries. However, Dr. Biller says it’s important.

“Expressing to a significant other the discomfort and ******* to enhance one’s comfort may be helpful as well so that both parties have an understanding of the foundation of their interactions,” he explains. “Setting limits with yourself and others is key to addressing discomfort with affection, and making others aware is very helpful.”

From there, Dr. Biller says you can allow a place to experience your preferred comfort level.

4. Seek help

Self-help can be useful, but you might benefit from speaking with an objective third party.

“Connecting with a trained therapist or psychologist can provide a safe space to unpack feelings and develop effective coping strategies,” Dr. Frank says. “This support can help with understanding how upbringings influence present-day relationships.”

Up Next:

Related: 15 Phrases To Disagree Respectfully, According to Psychologists

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